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This Just In (my head)!

If Kim Davis became Muslim…

Editor’s note: Ian Punnett takes a satirical look at a recent news event in today’s column to point out irony in the actions and coverage of Kim Davis.

Deacon Ian Punnett –

Some people were surprised when Kim Davis, the current clerk of Rowan County, Kentucky, converted to Islam while incarcerated for contempt of court after Davis refused to issue marriage licenses to gay couples. Yet, according to a 2011 report to Congress, Muslim conversions behind bars are at an all-time high: “Recent studies indicate that 80% of the prisoners who convert while in prison, convert to Islam.” Of the hundreds of supporters who greeted Davis upon her release from jail, only a few were shocked to see the modestly dressed woman in her familiar calf-length jumper and turtleneck sporting a matching navy-blue hijab—if anybody noticed it at all.

“After Kim had divorced her third husband and remarried her second husband for a second time, she had begun to dress less whorishly,” said a well-wishing neighbor. “So when we first saw her head covered, we thought Kim was just having a bad hair day or she thought it was raining. We did not know right away that her scarf was now a thing.

Reportedly, Davis’ husband, Joe, a self-professed “old redneck hillbilly,” failed to notice the county clerk’s conversion to Islam either. “I should have paid more attention when folks told me Kim was now shia. I said to them, ‘What do you mean? Kim has always been a she. She always been just the way God made her.’”

But the new trouble for Kim Davis started when she went back to work. With Davis having promised U.S. District Judge David Bunning that she would not allow her Christian faith to interfere with her duties as Rowan County clerk, Davis’ followers were first overjoyed but then confused when Davis refused to grant a marriage license to a gay couple, but this time based on her Muslim faith. When the two young men at the counter asked her on whose authority Davis was denying their license now, the defiant clerk gave that now familiar steely look as she said, “On Allah’s authority.”

On Fox News that night, Sean Hannity was understandably flummoxed when Kim Davis reasserted her First Amendment right as an American to govern Rowan County by sharia law: “Same God, same outcome, just a different scripture, Sean,” Davis said. “I mean, Sean, the gays should feel lucky that I am not calling for a rajm—sorry, I mean—stoning. My beliefs may not be fashionable, but you can’t just change the scripture when it says, ‘When the messenger of Allah expired and we were preoccupied with his death, a goat entered and ate away the paper.’ Sean, I think the Hadith is pretty clear on what Allah intended there.”

Not all of Davis’ changes have been unpopular. Most notably, since Davis introduced talaq-style divorce, dissolution of marriages has never gone so smoothly. “After the necessary ‘idda waiting period, it just makes more sense that all the husband has to do is say, ‘I divorce thee’ three times,” Davis told conservative radio talk show host Laura Ingraham. “Some of the county judges felt that I was overstepping my authority, but I checked with a qadi and we agreed that divine law trumps human law. This is something that my lawyer has repeated all along.”

Asked if Mat Staver from the Liberty Counsel is still representing her, Davis said, “Well, he’s busy, but I’ve left him a bunch of messages reminding him how important he’ll be in my jihad on the U.S. legal system. At night when I pray tahajjud, I thank Allah for the Liberty Counsel. I’m sure Mat Staver will call me back any day now.”

 

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